Senators!!!! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up and bail out the banks! Uh, I mean “Rescue” Main Street! By acting now you save America from itself! But, more importantly, if you pass legislation by midnight tonight and use the Promo Code BAILOUT, you’ll also be receiving the following fabulous items:
It’s the only fake Japanese word you’ll ever need “Ginsu”! The amazing Ginsu Knife! Place your order today and also receive the versatile six-in-one kitchen tool, not to mention the free “spiral slicer“! Slice up mortgage debt like a martial artist smashing a tomato with this amazing tool!
Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman! It’s compact enough to fit inside a glove compartment, and will help catch those scurrying banking CEOs as they flee for prosecutorial protection! Remember, it’s all “catch and release” with “Rescue”!
The Ronco Glass Froster! It’s “great for parties”, like the ones sure to be thrown by Citigroup and JPMorgan when they come out of this “rescue” as the only two banks left in the Western World! It’ll be free, frosty brewskis for Senators FOREVER!
But that’s not all! For only $700 billion you’ll also receive free with every order…
Mister Microphone so that you can more easily be heard saying things like “Without this ‘rescue’ plan, America as we know it will cease to exist”, and “Hey good looking, we’ll be back to pick you up later!”
Remember that Promo Code: BAILOUT! Senators, this is your chance, maybe your final chance, to undo years of irresponsible financial speculation while also receiving fabulous gifts for you, your family, friends and financial industry lobbyists! It’s a deal you can’t pass up, and you get it all for only $699,999,999,999.95! Remember, the deal is guaranteed in writing for up to….well, until we do this all again in a few years.
Operators are standing by! Here’s how to order…