A Freely Offered Translation of an APS Press Release, 3.30.09

Understanding it is often difficult for those not in the teaching profession to comprehend the meaning and impact of statements coming from those in education, the following translation has been offered by me, a professional educator, of a communication emanating earlier today from APS Superintendent Winston Brooks.

Below is the word-for-word release (in standard text) with a translated version directly below (in bold).

_______________________
A new plan has been worked out with the Albuquerque Teachers

After sitting around with the Union at some stupid meeting

Federation to use Friday, April 24, as a half-day of instruction in the

we came up with the laughable idea of ruining Friday, April 24th

morning and half-day of site-based professional development for

by dividing it into two equally useless parts, and, in so doing

teachers and staff in the afternoon.

craftily stuck in a “lunch”,

This will resolve the issue of making up the snow day from Dec. 16.

thus making up our “snow day” because if we serve lunch the day counts! Boo-yah! Hells yes! Are we geniuses or what!


The schedule will be as follows:


· High schools and early-start elementaries will dismiss at 11:30 a.m.

Think Lunch and get the Hell out of Dodge


· Middle schools will dismiss at 12:15 p.m.

Ditto, baby!


· Elementary schools will dismiss at 1 p.m.

It’s Gold, Jerry, Gold!


The need for students to return on May 26, the day after Memorial Day,

The asinine “need” to have students supposedly go on May 26th

has been eliminated. The last day of school will be Friday, May 22,

has been gloriously 86ed. The last day will be on Friday, May 22nd, like any sane person would have told you weeks ago, but we had to have these stupid meetings with the Union, which obviously cares way more about some silly “Professional Development Day” that we all know is a big, fat waste of time, instead of focusing all its energy on much more important things, like why the Hell the Economic Stimulus package hasn’t already been incorporated into education funding/budgeting for next year, and instead just seemed to let the Legislature piss all over education for like the third or fourth straight year.

and will be a full day of instruction.

and will be a full day of uselessly waiting around for the final bell to ring.


Teachers who have completed their required closing out procedures

Teachers don’t have to show up on May 26th either because any sane

by May 22 will not have to report on May 26. Otherwise, please

teacher would make damn sure their keys are already turned in

plan to report for a teacher-directed prep day.

and just in case you don’t get this through your thick, stupid teacher heads, I’m threatening you with a “teacher-directed prep day” (whatever the Hell that is) if you don’t get your ass out of the building ready for Summer on Friday the 22nd like everyone else on Planet APS. Let me put it this way, if you actually show up on Tuesday, May 26th, I’m going to see to it that you are fired because you are obviously far too stupid to read between the lines, much less teach.

_______________________________

It is hoped that the above translation helps to bridge the sometimes sizable gap between those who educate our youth and the public for which we serve.


P.S.: Just before receiving the release from Superintendent Brooks, staff at my school got a forwarded email originally from ATF President Ellen Bernstein. It read in part:


“Tuesday, May 26, 2009
This day will be the make-up day for staff. It will be a teacher directed preparation day. The teachers may prep on or off of campus for the entire day.”

Perhaps your sense of humor is like mine, and you also find the three sentences directly above to be just about the funniest thing you have ever read. Like Monty Python-meets-George Carlin funny. Like beyond falling on the floor, convulsing in laughter so intense you start coughing, spitting up and think you might be having a heart attack funny. Preternaturally humorous.


Even for those who don’t find it funny, I’m guessing no “translation” is needed. In keeping with the spirit of facilitating communication, however, I’ll be happy to let you know what it really means…upon request. As soon as I can stop laughing, spitting, convulsing and such.


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6 thoughts on “A Freely Offered Translation of an APS Press Release, 3.30.09

  1. I finally get it. Divide the day in two, rendering it useless to everyone–This is a Solomonesque decision of Biblical proportion, worthy of a six-figure salary. Very appropriate for the day of instruction we actually lost.

  2. “The teachers may prep on or off of campus for the entire day.”Imagine a public already inclined to blame teachers for APS’ failure to educate their children effectively.Imagine a public already pissed off by the fact that teachers work less than one day in two, and 6.5 hours days at that, for a full year’s salary.Imagine a teachers union president adding fuel to the fire by suggesting that teachers will be paid for “working” at home.bingo!

  3. re: the MIA stimulus $ for NM schools…is there any chance we could get KOAT, KOB, and/or the Journal’s crack investigative team on it? as a parent with an incoming Kindergartner (pray for me), I would like to know where the money is!

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