On the heels of announcing that “bad teachers have got to go” on the “Today” show yesterday, President Obama heads to Albuquerque’s South Valley. Coincidence?
Not by a long rifle shot.
The President, criticized as being either slow or unwilling to act on many fronts, has turned firing inferior teachers into a personal vendetta. Not only is he making his case publicly, he’s going after them himself Chuck Norris-style. And nobody..not the man, not the unions, not even the love of that sweet, sweet woman is gonna stop him now.
He’s starting down here in the South Valley because that’s where the bad teachers breed like mongrel dogs, spreading their disease of dittoed word searches and superficial appeals to lower-level thinking skills.
First stop, Rio Grande High School, where the Prez will get his teacher kung-fu skills on defeating some U.S. History teacher who still uses an overhead projector to lead his students in a map coloring exercise of the Colonies. After that warm-up, he’s moving on through the tough streets of the SV, cracking heads at Ernie Pyle MS and Carlos Rey ES before going to nearby South Valley Academy charter school to rejuvenate his energies.
For there is nothing that restores President Obama’s infinity hit points of public school-crackin’ dexterity like a visit to that most holy of places: a charter school. For Obama, charter schools are like spinach to Popeye, like Yo La Tengo to Zooey Deschanel. Or like Zooey Deschanel to Yo La Tengo.
Oh he’ll be ready now. And with great vengeance and furious anger he’ll swoop down on the kingpins of bad teaching at Harrison MS and Polk MS, before alighting, wire-fu style, before the altar of all that is incompetent instruction worldwide. That’s right: Pajarito Elementary School.
You see, Mr. President is tired of messing around. Yeah, sure, he could just mouth off a bit on national TV. Make a few pompously bellicose empty statements about “longer school years” and such. I mean…that’s what Presidents do.
But this man is different. He’s not like other Presidents. No other President has ever suffered from bad education like this man has. No other President has ever had bad teachers ransack his Chicago childhood home, terrorize his family and turn off “Sesame Street” right when it was getting to the really good part where Big Bird was learning prepositions for the very first time.
That hurt, man. That hurt really bad.
And that hurt went deep. So deep the President will call upon that pain when he strides through the Pajarito ES front doors. And no…he ain’t getting no “Visitor’s Tag”. He ain’t even stopping at the Front Office.
He’s going right up to Room 113. Yes, I said Room 113! No messing around with that lousy Mr. Walker out in the portables…he’s going straight to the heart of it all. To bad teaching Ground Zero.
Room 113. Ms. Shriver’s room.
No telling how that battle will turn out. The President is strong, and no doubt will be stronger from his earlier encounters. He might be invincible by the time he opens that door, strides by those 3rd graders mindlessly tracing cursive writing for the 47th time this school year, and faces the epitome of teaching evil.
What will he do when he finally meets the women in the knit sweater with a ruler, alphabet and little apple with a worm wearing a mortarboard face-to-face? Will he have the power necessary? Will his mad skills, developed over decades of training, and his visit to the powerful charter school be enough to topple Ms. Shriver?
Ain’t no telling. All we know is that the future of public education will hang in the balance. Right there in Room 113. Right there next to Shriver’s “Is It Friday Yet?” coffee mug.
It will be epic. It will involve swords, triple-spins and the defiance of gravity. It will even involve paper copying, despite the District’s budget cuts. That’s how epic it will truly be.
So be sure kids to buy the next issue of “President Obama Versus The South Valley: Paper Cuts of Fury”, on sale Election Day, 2010.