Dear People of Earth:
Every school year, my institution of middle school learning wraps things up by taking students to “Uncle Cliff’s” amusement park (the 6th Graders go to Hinkle “Fun” Center). This outing is tied to a “student contract”, which specifies that students who are not good girls and boys cannot take part in the excursion.
This trip is a giant pain in the ass.
Evidence of this gluteal discomfort includes:
- Announcements every single ******* day about the trip, how great it’s going to be, how much it will cost students, how many infractions they can accrue before being unable to go, what those infractions are, how teachers are going about raising the money to pay for the buses, how teachers should turn in contract status reports to other teachers so that those teachers can put together a “naughty/nice” list and update that list on a daily basis, and so on and so and so…
- The need to reserve buses and a spot at Uncle Cliff’s months and months in advance, thus making it impossible to change the date when we have Snow Days and the school year gets longer.
- Looking at pathetic teachers pathetically selling ice cream day after day after day to increasingly unhealthy kids as they try to raise money for the buses because we don’t got no money.
- Having other fundraisers, such as “throw a pie at a teacher’s head” and other professionally edifying endeavors to raise even more money.
- More announcements at the beginning of the day, the middle, the end, the middle of the end, the tail end of the beginning on subjects such as “teachers must immediately collect a list of those students failing and send it to the keeper of the ‘naughty/nice kid list’ because we have don’t retention in middle school and this stupid, irritating waste of ******* time trip to an amusement park kids can go to any day of the week for an entire summer IS our cheap-ass version of RETENTION.
- Hell, it’s really our version of a Final Exam, too. Our Final Exam is riding a roller coaster. A ******* roller coaster.